First Kill
by UsagiKuro
Summary: He never expected killing to hurt. He thought it would be quick and easy. He didn't think it would be the worst thing that he could ever do. Rated T for mild violence.


**First off, an apology. I really have been meaning to update Memory and I was going to last night BUT I accidentally deleted all my documents… I was extremely upset, but I did manage to write this. Which made me feel better, so I hope you like it! I will have you a Memory chapter soon, just let me write it. AGAIN. *sigh* **

Okita looked the man over. He was scrawny and quite frightened. Okita was sure he wouldn't pose as much of a threat. He was sure he could dispose of the man in under a minute which would make the poor man an ideal first kill, or so people said. They kept telling him it was better to kill someone who couldn't fight back first. Okita didn't want to go after the smallest just because it would be better for him. He wanted a challenge, someone who would make him try his hardest. This man obviously wouldn't.

"Are you going to kill me or what?" the man spat, annoyed.

Okita was a little surprised that the man didn't seem to care if he died. He seemed like he was expecting it. Okita had to wonder why he wouldn't fight at all. Wasn't it always better to go down with a fight?

The man sighed. "You're thinking I should die fighting, hmm? I figured as much. Well, let me tell you this. I have no chance and so I see no point in prolonging my death by fighting you. Just finish me off. It isn't going to be difficult, is it? No, of course not. It's not like you haven't killed before. Don't make your comrades step in and do it for you."

Okita wanted to point out that he hadn't killed anyone before but he saw no point and he could tell by the bored face of Hijikata that he was taking too long. Okita raised his sword earning him a small smile from his victim. Was he so happy to die? What about the people who cared about him? There had to be at least one or two. What about his family? Wasn't he thinking about how this would affect them?

"Do it, Souji!" Hijikata said forcefully.

Okita glanced towards him for a small instant and then brought his sword down on the mans head as instructed. His skull split neatly in half and blood immediately came gushing out on of his neck, some landing on Okita's haori and hakama. He was paralyzed for a second as he realized what he'd done.

Hijikata smirked. "That's how you do it," he said as he walked towards him. He patted Okita back proudly. "Come on."

Okita followed him blindly, confused. What about feeling better? Everyone said the first kill was the best. They said it felt _nice_ to kill. All he felt was fear and confusion. He couldn't stop thinking about the life he had ended and all the pain that others would feel because of what he had done. Why didn't he feel proud at least that he could dispose of someone so easily? None of it made sense to him. All he wanted to do was hide, not boast about it. He wanted to search out the man's family and friends and apologize to them all. He never wanted to kill a single soul in his entire life again. But… he had too. He would surely kill again and again. There was no escaping it. This was war, and he was going to learn to get over it.

_Get over it…_

The thought of killing being something to 'get over' made him disgusted. How could such a cruel act be though of so lightly? Didn't anyone else suffer like this after they ended a person life? After they ended a perfectly good person's life? Did they only think of how it would benefit them? No, of course they didn't think of how it would hurt other people. That sort of thinking would only get in the way. It would only get _them_ killed instead of their enemy and that wouldn't do any good.

Then it hit him. He suddenly understood how they killed without caring. They were monsters. So he had to become a monster too, didn't he? Wouldn't being a monster ge rid of this terrible feeling of guilt? Yes, it would, so it was his only option. He would become evil like everyone else and then he would never again have to deal with such a wretched feeling. He simply had to become a monster and that would surely be easy, wouldn't it? Of course it would. So many others had already done it so he could too. He would become like them as well and live life the carefree way. He smiled thinking of it. His life after he became a monster looked so easy to him as he thought of it. By tomorrow, he would be different and he wouldn't care about who he had killed. By tomorrow everything would be okay. He kept repeating that over and over in his head until it actually was.

**I hope you all liked it!**


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